A Bit of History

My journey to becoming a mother has been full of ups and downs. I can remember the day I first discovered I was pregnant. My husband, Chris and I had been married for a little over a year. I was on our elliptical when I realized my chest was unusually sore. He was at work and I immediately bailed off the contraption and proceeded to the closest store to buy a pregnancy test. To my amazement, it was positive. I, like every other mother I know, took more than one test to prove to myself I wasn't imagining that little pink line. That afternoon, with the positive pregnancy test in the console of my car, I met my husband at the furniture store. (I think we were browsing for living room couches). I ushered him into my car only to pull out the positive test. I can remember entering the store with a glow about us, as if we had this huge secret. At that moment, my dreams and anticipation of motherhood began.



The fragility of my dreams was quickly realized. After only a few short weeks of pregnancy bliss, my husband and I experienced our first miscarriage. And then, only 3 months later, our second. Our lives were forever changed. We were filled with doubt and questions. After some testing, we believed we discovered the cause of both miscarriages and proceeded to try to have a baby. We conceived quickly again and the pregnancy went on without a hitch during the first trimester. Then suddenly, when I was 23 weeks pregnant, our lives changed dramatically. We discovered that my water had broke prematurely and that I would be hospitalized for the remainder of the pregnancy. This portion of our lives went on for 3 long months. During that time, we were given the disheartening news that there were some physical abnormalities in our baby's brain and that our child was not growing appropriately. Each day was filled with uncertainty.

And then came the day we had been anxiously anticipating, delivery. Even that was completely unplanned as our little baby was showing signs of distress. From the time we were told our baby was to be delivered, to the time we heard her cry for the first time was only a short hour. Family, hospital staff and prayers flooded around us as we clung to one another and also prayed for the child we were about to give life to. Charlotte Ann Hawn was born at 34 weeks weighing 3# 0 oz with every bit of spunk you could ever imagine. To this day, she amazes all who have the privilege of knowing her. Although she is a child with special needs, she is much more to us. She is our answered prayer with every giggle, smile and accomplishment.

When Charlotte was about 1 1/2 years old, the thoughts of having another baby set in. I had previously dreamed of a house full of children, close in age and close at heart. Charlotte dominated our lives with therapy, Dr. appointments and worry as we struggled to make the best decisions for her. But deep down, I heard one resounding voice say, "she needs a sibling". Although I knew it would be difficult and worried that we would have more challenging times ahead, we became pregnant again. After the first and second trimester were complete and this child had shown no signs of physical abnormalities, we felt we were in the clear. We celebrated any differences between our previous pregnancies and this one. But, the writing on the wall of my womb said otherwise and our son, Ryan Michael Hawn made his appearance early like his sister at 34 weeks due to preterm labor. Once again, I was blind-sided by the delivery of a preterm infant and all the difficulties that encompasses. Overall, Ryan was given a clean bill of health and stayed only a short 9 days in the NICU.

Today, I have been inspired to create this blog mostly as an outlet for my own thoughts about my journey through motherhood, but also to invite other mothers to share their experiences. We can all learn from eachother, even though we may have different circumstances or situations because one thing remains the same. We will never be the person we once were. Our lives are forever changed when our children enter this world. It is up to us to figure out how to survive and how to redifine individual we were before they were born. There is much more to our lives than deciding what to wear or how to fix our hair. We have real challenges each day, like how to do the dishes, feed the kids and get out the door for an errand or appointment and back home again before somebody has to have a nap or has a major meltdown. But, one thing is for sure. Although our job is decidedly one of the most rigorous there is, it can also be the most rewarding. But, not without taking the time to appreciate life for what it is and enjoy the moments you have been given, happy, sad, easy or challenging, they are all important and I believe is where you discover who you truly are.

Jennifer Hawn